Tis time...

Oh boy! You'd think that a girl who can't turn her mind off at night and has a million thing to say would be a better blogger! I beg your pardon, self! I know I should and can do better. Shame on me! This site in particular is for my benefit. A place to spew my inner thoughts and life as I know it. So much has happened in the past few years. Note worthy things that I want to remember and yet as I lived them I've had a new perspective...living them is sometimes enough. I got caught up in the world where I thought every little thing needed to be shared. Every project, every recipe, every antidote. I was sharing things that meant little to me as a mom, sister, neighbor and friend. What I should have been recording were my feelings, my actions, my teaching moments and the times I grew. So here's to getting back on track. Recording the things that mean something to me. That capture a glimpse of my personality and who I am right here and now! Because really...how else am I going to remember how cool I was at 35! Wink, wink!

Dear 55 year old self,
Remember that time when you were 35 and you thought your wrinkles around your eyes and your perma scowl were such a drag!? I bet you were wishing for that face now!!!

( self deprecation can also be used to gain perspective! When I see something about myself that I don't love I try to remember to be grateful cause really.... It's only going to get worse and what I really should be doing is loving and enjoying myself now!

Love is in the air!

Let the record show that I am over the moon in love! Totally head over heels with a man who returns the sentiment in ways that send butterflies a flutter in my stomach! Yes they have to do with chocolate dipped strawberries AND back tickles! That's really all I need to be 100% on top of the world and to have then all at once! Wow-e-mama!


Kids...listen up! Some day you'll be glad that dad and I make out in the kitchen! It's embarrassing and "GROSS" now I know but trust me... parents who make out smack dab in the middle of dinner time  is totally cool! TOTALLY!  Take a lesson form me...Show your affection! Shout "I love you" for all to hear! I'm setting an example for you! To be adored by the one you love is worth showing off! I can only pray that you feel as loved as I do by your crazy and sexy father! Yes I just said sexy, Cricket! You'll get over it!

Thin can suck too you know!

Here's a double standard I HATE!  You'd never go up to someone and say " Dude! You are so fat! Look at that belly and check out your butt! Beep beep beep.....make room for wide load!!" If you did you'd probably lose friends, be labeled as a totally insensitive idiot and not be invited to social gatherings for fear of you causing spontaneous cry fests from over weight friends!

So then why is it totally acceptable for people to comment on thin, underweight people? Trust me...being thin doesn't make one's life as rosy and rainbow filled as you'd think! Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, that thin person struggles with body imagine just as much as someone who is overweight? Speaking from experience....WE DO!

My entire life I've been underweight! Shoot....I lied on my license and said I weighed 91lbs. when I was 16 because I was so embarrassed that I was still in the 80's and in high school!I never wore tank tops for fear my stick figure arms would scare small children and who likes growing up and having everyone assume you have an eating disorder! I had an ugly man face, huge teeth covered in braces and the body of a 10 year old! Pretty glamorous right!

I wasn't until I was a sophmore in college that I finally hit the 100 pound mark! I gained 10lbs. in college, got stretch marks on my butt and finally started liking the way I looked.My face filled in, my arms looked normal and I could shop in the Jr. Department!

As an adult I've watched my body totally change as I've grown babies inside, watched my hips spread and never go back, watch my boobs go from barely there to "Thank you Breast feeding" to "really?Just a nipple!?" I've wished for more weight, I've wished for less, I wished for energy and strength that this small little body just can't provide! I've wished and I've wished and I've judged and I've been disappointed in my own body! I've never been immune to the criticism of self image.

So here's a little food for thought people! Just because someone is thin doesn't mean there life is perfect and magical! Just because a thin person is starting a workout routine doesn't mean they are trying to lose weight and you should avoid saying things like " Why on earth are you working out?" Heaven forbid a thin person wants to add bulk to a frail and sick looking frame. Heaven forbid a tiny person wants to feel strong and accomplished. I know you mean no harm but think about it....would you ever say the same things to a fat person that you say to a thin person? We all know you wouldn't.

Dear Mr. Sandman,

Where the heck are you? Your absence is causing me to think and that can only lead to self realization! Not good at 2 am let me tell you! Major life changing decisions are probably not meant to be made in a sleep deprived state of mind. O they are!?! Time will tell. In the mean time do you mind high tailing it over to my house for a little sumpen sumpen! Get to work already!


Love ( I use that term loosely!),

Me

Things I can't resist...

Try as I may I can not resist the following... EVER!...

• eating a fry as I drive home from the drive through! All the while I'm telling the kids we can't eat until we get home!
  
• taking a bite of a hot pocket right after I take it out of the microwave...I know it's going to burn my freakin mouth like hot lava and render me a mute but I can't resist the hunger and delicious smell combo!Burn me once shame on you! Burn me twice, shame on me! I know I know !I'll never learn nor do I want to!
  
• I have yet to meet a maple bar I didn't love! If the meir thought of a Maple bar crossed my mind I can't pass one up! I've tried! Trust me I've tried but I fail miserably! I must say...it's pretty freeing when you can realize your faults and move forward.I chose to move forward with a donut in my hand! So what?
• finishing my kids meals!
• Consumption of Mint Oreos by the sleeve. This is why I don't buy them! EVER!
• 
  

Basically most things I fall victim to are food related! I'm ok with that!

Studio 5

I know I know! It's a cryin shame I don't blog like I used to! To be 100% honest I miss it like crazy! I miss just getting on here and throwing up my feelings and ranting about life. I'm totally blaming it on Blue Cricket Design! It's a part tiem job that's for sure and by the time I'm done working on that blog I have littel energy to devote here and on my family blog! Lame! Lame! Lame!!! I know!

Just know I'm still alive! I'm still driven crazy by my kids, hate folding laundry, hate preparing for my Sunday calling, love reality and miss all my interaction with you!

Here's what's been keeping me busy this week. Studio 5! I had two days notice and busted out a handful of headbands! I loved doing this! Funny, and only the people that know me would notice but again I look super boring on tv! I'm way more off the wall and crazy in real life!

New Years

Resolution Time! I'd like to think of this time of year as a step in the right direction! All to often we set our selves up to fail! Setting endless goals that fulfill one purpose... to make us feel bad when we realize we SUCK at keeping goals! I will say this...three years ago I set a lofty goal for myself. NO MORE SODA!!! And here I sit three years later still Soda free and loving it! So I guess I'm not a total and utter failure every year!

Ok.. back to my rant... So this year I've been Inspired. I was sent an email from a reader sharing her New Years Tradition of focusing on a single word as her goal for the Year! A Beautiful tradition. She concentrated on "Simplify!" It meant wonderful things for so many aspects of her life! If she could just concentrate on the word "Simplify" it would change so much!

I loved this idea. I was taken by it simplicity and yet knew it had the potential to do so much. Immediately a word popped into my head and I knew it would be my focus for the year!

Service

Selfishly I need to Serve others. It makes me feel good. It gives me something to do outside of my own personal responsibilities. I easily get lost in my own everyday hiccups I forget to look outside and see where I could better be utilized!

So I got so excited about the thought of focusing on a single word I had a hard time just picking one. Oops! Can you tell my other word is not going to be "Simplify!" I'm not there yet!

So this year I'd like to focus on three words or concepts if you will...

Service
Following Through
Home

Following Through will be a good one for me! I have endless good intentions but following through on them is the hard part...like doing laundry! Yeah...that whole process from start to finish takes me like 5 days! From now on..."Follow Through" will haunt my subconscious! A single days task! Can you imagine!

Planing, projects, activities! So many things that clutter my mind and my space will finally get the attention they so deserve!


Home! I need to work harder to make my Home the warmest most welcoming refuge my family will ever know! I need to make more of an effort to focus on it's purpose. To comfort those who dwell in it's rooms and inspire love and safety! To me that means editing the STUFF that I once called necessities and filling it instead with loving reminders of the things that are really important. It also means focusing on meal time, traditions, order and family.

So there you have it! My "New Years Resolution!" This year I plan on devoting much of my energy on Serving others, Following through on the intentions I make and creating a Home that is a Haven!


If you were to pick one word for your New Years Focus what would it be?

hi

So I'm brunette right now! Been for about a month and I have to say I'm in love with it!

No I don't feel smarter! And yes I'm still having fun! Look at Blue...Isn't she too much! I do feel like I look more like my girls though! I think they love it too.

"mom has our hair now Molly!" says Cricket! I can tell she likes it most. Blue and Charlie share my eyes and Crick has always been apart of the "Brown team!" I wonder if she felt left out of being any part of a team I was on! But now she does and I'm quite enjoying it!

I needed a change! I needed more so to give my hair a break! Too much breakage and drying it out! So for the next chapter of life I'll be a brunette!

Could it be?

Ahh yes! The return.

It was bound to happen...

I couldn't stay away forever....

yet at times I had nothing worthy to say... or did I?

I'm in some sort of place right now.

A state of unfamiliar feelings. I've been here for a while and the best way I can describe it is this:

I'm in a FUNK! YES people! A FUNK!

Not quite sure how to act, feel, move forward!


No need to worry! I've been in funks before! I actually welcome this odd sort of state I'm in. I'm up for the lessons it's teaching me and the journey I'm on.

I must have had it too good. I was stagnate and stale and in need of a life shake up if you will. I'm looking at things differently. I'm being honest with my thoughts. I'm sorting through the fog in my head.

Frustrating? at times.
Scary? not really.

This is life. I'm in the throws of MY life.


I have dear dear friends. People I love. People who I know love me. It's been inspiring to chat with my dear friends and sort through my thoughts. I love what I have discovered about myself, about motherhood and Spirituality. Thank you sweet friends. I needed that!

I'm aware of many things right now. I know who I want to be. Getting there is where I'm at.


I'm in the treading water stage of my life. It's not a bad thing....It's a working hard thing. These years are so important. Hard and important. I'm treading water trying to do it right, keep it up, stay in rhythm....not drowned. Treading water, treading water....

I'm happy for the struggle and the challenge. Treading water for so long isn't going to kill me. It will hurt and it will test my abilities but it will also do something wonderful.

It
will
make
me
stronger.


It will give me legs to hold me up. It will teach me patience. It will give me the power I need to do what I do.


I'll tread for as long as I need to. As long as it takes to make me as strong as I need to be for what may lie ahead.

Maybe I should look at it as being "in training." You would never run a marathon without ever lacing up your running shoes and expect to do well right?

That's it... I'm In training. And for what you may ask? For life I guess. For a life I love and a life I've worked hard at to enjoy!

So pardon my absence. No need to worry...it's just me. Here. Now... in training.

October!

Done and DONE!

Sooo glad this week is over! Not that I didn't enjoy it but man was it a lot of work! I'm happy to report the birthday bash went off without a hitch... ok well maybe two hitches! We ran out of propane for the bbq and my DSLR Camera battery was dead! Fun huh! Nothing a quick trip to Home Depot and a Camera toting party guest couldn't fix! Thanks to a friend I had a nice camera to shoot with and hopefully I'll get those pictures back soon! I didn't have the right cables to upload it right away. Shucks!!!

Anyway... Mike and I deserve "Parents of the Year awards!" We busted our butts on this shin dig. Cricket tells us Saturday morning as we were decorating " I want to go to Chuck E. Cheeses for my birthday next week ok?!?" Um... HELLO kiddo... this is your Chuck E. Cheese!!! DUDE kid!

Today we were so dead tired! It takes a lot out of ya to be a cool parent and throw a party. This is why we only do this once every 5 years!

Busy week!

This week is going to jam packed with a tons to do! I have a laundry list of things I have to get done this week. We have family coming to town so I need to get the down stairs and guest room in order and my biggest event to worry about is the girls huge birthday party!!!WE are doing a carnival and there is lots to get done! Why does everything so like so much fun in the the planning phase and then feel like too much in the executing stage!!!!

I'm glad I can check off Teaching in Relief Society off my list! I love to teach!!! Love love love it! But the weeks before when I'm trying to work through my plan of attach is always something I dread! All in all it was a great lesson to work on. It was on Friendship. I love it when I can teach a good topic! Everyone had lots to say as a teacher it was welcoming interaction.

I started off the lesson with lipstick on my teeth! It was a test to see if I had any true friends in the crowd. It took a few minuets, some uncomfortable stares and a brave sister to finally tell me I had lipstick on my teeth!!! It was a fun way to get the lesson started!

Well I better get to it! To much to do to waste teh day away on line!!! I hope you all have a wonderful week!

It's not everyday...

a stranger stops you in the grocery store to tell you you're a good mom!

This morning while on my walk we stopped in Albertsons. A sweet old, questionably 100% there if you know what I mean, lady stopped me and commented what a good mom I was! I was flattered! I was assuming she was refering to my early morning outing with two kids in a stroller. But I was wrong! She was refering to the fact that I had given Blue A donut and she was covered almost from ear to ear in chocolate frosting!

At first I wasn't sure if she was actually insulting me and using tricky reverse psychology on me and actually "dissing" my parenting skills or if she was genuinely impressed in my generosity. She then started going on and on about how people need to give in to their kids more! She retold a story, in great detail how she witnessed a little boy scream and cry for a piece of cake that the parents wouldn't let him have! Pretty sure I don't aggree with her on giving in to screaming kids!!!

So there you have it. I was recognized for my "parenting" skills. Shoot!!! Wasn't I just complaining about not getting recognition!!! Ask and ye shall receive!

Call me crazy but

Here I go again being too honest ..

As overwhelming as motherhood and being a stay at home mom can be at times , I'd like to also add it's a little underwhelming as well!

All to often I gripe and moan over unruly toddlers who wears permanent scowls or one more day where I never once heard a single "Thank you!" I know I'm not the only one who deals with loads of laundry, dirty showers and "what's for dinner" conundrums.

Day in day out it can feel like all I do is hit the rewind and play button. And that's what makes it underwhelming as well! Predictable, unavoidable and stagnant at times!

Something must be wrong with me!Selfish I guess. I'm programed to need more praise or acknowledgment. More gratitude for what I do. I think that's my biggest flaw.

I'm greedy, needy and selfish.

I find it perfectly acceptable to expect a thank you for a meal I just prepared. I want to be told I am doing a good job! I need to hear that my efforts are not going unnoticed. Sadly I need to know these things. I, unlike employees of a company, don't get a form of compensation reflecting my productivity and value to a job.

My paycheck should be my family and home...I know! I get it! But heaven forbid I crave a little more then that!

This is where I faultier...time and time again!

I'll fall into a funk where I feel less then appreciated. It may just be underlying. I may not even notice it at first. That's when I start to care less about what I need to be doing...laundry sits clean in the laundry room begging to be folded. The basement stands still with a project on a table and the excuse " No one really will see it!" I do the bare minimum because I'm getting the bare minimum as a result. Horrible I know! It's hard to want to work your best when it feels like you get jack crap in return.

And then it all comes to a head and once again I feel undervalue and to blame yet still struggling to find my way out out and not be bitter for the reminder that I SUCK AT MY JOB!!!!

For sure this is why I blog!!! (Total sad confession coming out right now!!!) How pathetic!!! I feel my best when others tell me I'm doing something good! When I hear my efforts are being noticed or I have inspired someone else! Blogging does that for me! It's like I'm having an affair with blogger and the thousands of people who read my blog and leave me uplifting comments! It's the attention I need!!! I get what I'm not getting as a mom and home maker from perfect strangers on line who I will never meet...never disappoint or never tick off! Because I feel appreciated and needed I want to do more and be great at what I do.

I know this is totally pathetic! TOTALLY PATHETIC!!! I admit it! But it's my outlet! No different from someone who starts a business and puts so much work and effort in it simply to succeed. No one ever does anything NOT to feel some sort of accomplishment in it.

I just wish I didn't NEED it so much! I wish that my life as a mom and homemaker could fill me enough to be ok just being a mom and a home maker. But honestly I'm soooo much more then that and blogging is my way of tapping into that existance. Is that so wrong?

It is going to take years and years to cash in on my "mothering" investment. I know it will all pay off. I know I am doing the right thing as a mother. I just enjoy a little instant gratification once in a while!

So that's where I am in life! Right now at least.

I did it!

Surprisingly I didn't shed a single tear. Well...yesterday I didn't! Maybe I got it all out the week before. I was expecting water works but I was to busy to even notice I guess. It was the sweetest thing! I got a little misty when she jumped on the bus but that was it! I was shocked! I was good.

Mike took us to breakfast after the dropping off ordeal to cheer me up but I didn't need it! Blue was the one who needed the cheering up! She kept refusing to do anything until Macy got home! It was cute and sad all at the same time!

I think all teh antisipation and stress took it's toll on my body insstead of my emotions. I could not relax all day yesterday! I found myself with tense shoulders and a tight neck. I had teh worst tension headachand. I feel better this morning! Off she went again full of excitement! It's hard not to be ok when she's so stinkin cute!!!!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow my Cricket starts school.

No exclamation marks.

Complete anti excitement if I must be honest. I'm sad. Very, very sad!

How on earth did today finally make it here on the count down chain. One last day with my Cricket all to myself. Oops...a tear!

Not really sure how I'll survive seeing her off Tuesday morning...another tear!

Being a mom is hard. Harder then I imagined. Harder then the lump in my throat I'm trying to swallow away right now! I'm a big baby and I know it!

Do you think she'll let me snuggle her in my bed all morning?

Holding her.

Smelling her.

Looking into her big brown eyes and remembering her as my first baby bug all those years ago.

Pretty sure she won't let me. Maybe that would make it that much harder.





I'm already a wreck. This is hard... very, very hard.

I'll be rendered useless Tuesday. Oh Cricket....

Face Book Happiness

Yesterday I found a very special someone on Face Book!!! Probably my most exciting find yet! NO offense people if this find trumps me finding you!!!

I found my 4th grade teacher Mrs. McKay!!!!! How fun is that! She was defiantly one of those teachers that's comes to mind when people ask you "Who was your favorite teacher?"

She's as darling as ever ans totally remembered me! Just chatting with her brings back so many great memories!!!

So who have been some of your amazing Face Book finds? Old boyfriends, college roomates... FAce Book is a great treasure hunt isn't it?!?

Getting back into the swing of things!

What a weekend! Emotional as you can imagine and wonderful all at the same time! It was a beautiful service for our cousin. His family was amazing ans so inspirational! I love his mom and dad and siblings to pieces!

We saw family we haven't seen in over 7 years and getting to catch up was amazing! It reminded us of how close we really are! We didn't want to leave! We stayed up late each night visiting, playing games and reminiscing.

Mike and I are truly blessed to have such wonderful extended family! WE left feeling closer as a couple and a family in general. We were reminded how fragile life really is and how we need to be working on relationships and creating memories!

The reason for our gathering was a sad one but it resulted in blessed perspectives and renewed relationships! I will forever be grateful for that!

We fell a little under the weather while there! Mike barely escaped getting barfed on by Blue in the middle of the night! I came home with a cold and Charlie had snots that left snail trails all over her face! Thankfully by now we all seam to be on the mend and ready to jump back into the swing of things!

I have plenty of photos to post but have ton on my plate right now!

I'm finishing up a lot of projects and will have plenty to share soon!!! 'till then...

Sad news

Yesterday morning we woke up to find a very heart breaking email. Mikes cousin died in a single engine plane crash Saturday afternoon leaving behind a loving wife and 5 kids. The news was shocking and it's all we've been thinking about. Our hearts ache for his family. Not only was he a devoted father and husband but also an older brother and first born son.

He comes from an amazing family who we adore. His parents and especially his mom live, breath and eat for their children. There was never a visit or email or gathering where she didn't pull out family photos and beam as she related their latest news. As a mother myself I can not imagine how a grieving mother can cope with this tragedy.His younger siblings are equally amazing. How on earth do you ever get used to being a family with one less brother.

Sadly I can't think about this tragedy and not go to that scary place I try so hard to avoid. What if this happened to me? My greatest fear in life is losing Mike or one of my children. My world would end. I would fail to function.

It's a harsh reminder of how precious life is. How we take for granted the time we have been giving to love and be apart of someones life. It makes me want to hold on to my family with everything I have and never let go.

I pray that our Heavenly Father has welcomed home his son with loving embraces. That He will comfort and bless his loved ones left behind. I pray that those who love and care for his family will know their needs and do all they can to comfort his wife, children, siblings and parents during this trial.

We will be heading up for the funeral on Thursday.

It would be really unfair if I have another day like I did yesterday right!

I can only hope that today pans out a little better then my day yesterday! For sure I slip into some sort of depression once my sister left from her visit! Woe is me!!! And to top that off, Mike has been out of town so it's Single mom Combat over here!!! Not helping!

On top of my whinny, needy, misbehaving children I had to cut a huge wad of gum out of Blues hair late last night. THEN.... She had a small accident in MY bed and then I had to calm her down when she later started sleep walking and crying about how her face was ugly! REALLY!!??!!! All in one day!!!!!

Today I'm trying to be optimistic. I will so far so good. I have yet had to put someone in their room for being crazy and all the gum in the house has been trashed!

We are actually driving down to see Mike today in Provo for a family picnic for all the families in his MBA program! Sweet relief! Now I just have to waste a few more hours until I can pile the kids in the car and head out!!!Wish me luck!