Sorry

So I haven't been in the best of spirits lately. Not quite sure how to pin point my haze but I defiantly feel like I have been in a funk!

I am certainly missing "Home!" I miss more then just my sister and the comfort I feel in knowing she was a constant in my life. I miss driving the streets I drove,shopping at the stores I loved, smelling the ocean as I opened my door. There is so much that I miss and it's all right now hitting me!

I could go on and on listing off the smallest of things I miss even down to the smell of freshly cut grass at the Mora Kai on Thursdays! I miss my tiny apartment and the green bench I sat on on the front lawn that I loved so much even if it had a nail that stuck up and snagged my cloths. I am pathetic I know. I try to tell myself it's ok to be nostalgic but it's been a very nostalgic week I guess that has only lead me to hurt for home.

As wonderful as life is here now I wish I could snap my fingers and be back home. Even if it meant giving up all this I would have at least know the truth in feeling like I have lived on the side with the greener grass and your right, it isn't always greener! I then am quick to remind myself that no matter when I had to finally take that final jump and leave the nest, if you will , it would have to hurt at some point! No matter when, no matter how far! I am trying my best to chalk it up to life lessons. To give into the reality that I could never live in a two bedroom apartment my entire life just because it was safe, simple and easy. The longing to leave that place was real as well. I need to remind myself of that.

But the truth of the matter is that I just feel disconnected. It's not all about missing home.I miss feeling apart of a ward, a family and a neighborhood. I was spoiled in a lot of those senses I know but You get used to that and it's harder to replace then I thought it would be! I feel like I am trying so hard here to just jump into life as I pictured it but really I am just jumping and missing each time! It easily look like life is wonderful. I am at ease with new people and with new situations but I miss more then anything the history that was behind relationships. The sense of placement in a social circle, being needed because they know what you have to offer rather then they know you to be willing to either get the job done or put forth the effort because you are desperate to make connections. it's hard to explain but even harder not to feel and give in to.

I play this constant balancing act fighting my desires to play the game and love the life we want so much and then the flip side is trying for the right reasons to get rooted here. Even as I write it I feel messed up in my thinking. Is it so wrong to want a great life with a home and new experiences? NO! Is it so wrong to miss the life you had even if you longed for the life you have now? That's a harder question to answer! Inside I know the truth. I am not as strong as I thought I was, as I wanted to be, as I pretend to be at times! I am tired of putting on the armor and trying to make a noble effort. And I know there is nothing wrong with that! I just think I am, right now, sitting in my reality and that's ok too.

I am missing home. I am missing looking forward to the dream of what was next. I am missing my sister .... I am missing my sister!!!!! I miss feeling useful to her as if I was some sort great help, even if I felt like I needed her more. I miss feeling known by someone that knew all of me. I miss so much.

And still I know this is normal and good. Like I said before...I would have had to go through this no matter when I had moved away! I think it took me longer then I expected so I felt like I was in the clear! Guess not!

Honestly I feel better having cried it out a little! I guess I needed to get to this place before I could move forward! I hope that's the next step! Moving forward and enjoying the dream of what's next for us because I am actually living in that moment as we speak.

Sorry for the bla bla bla Debbie downer! I put it off long enough so please forgive me.